I’ve fallen off the deep end. I have always been boy crazy, from the time I broke up with my first boyfriend in high school, going to Tokyo shortly after and realizing 1. I was single, 2. I was single in a foreign country, and 3. I was single in a foreign country surrounded by what was then the cream of the crop of male models in the industry. I’d fall asleep sandwiched between two of them at a time being both the big and little spoon, sober as a cucumber (I didn’t drink back then) and breathing in the light hint of alcohol coming from their sweet opening mouths.
I can’t stop staring at this guy adjacent from me. He looks like he has kept the same haircut since he was a young boy. Short and typical, nothing out of the ordinary, trimmed on the sides and a little longer on top. I wonder if he wakes up looking like that or he showers every morning to blow and dry and mold it into average hair perfection. If we passed each other on the street I wouldn’t have looked at him twice, but I’m still a little drunk from yesterday and with it my weary eyes have found comfort in his pouty lips and round face.
Being productive is the hardest thing I face every day. Maybe skipping out on University and falling asleep every day in High School under my desk trained me to be lazy in my later years. Maybe the thought of prosperity seems so far fetched that I don’t see the point in making that meeting or scheduling that time during the day for working on all the projects I fall asleep dreaming about. Maybe feeling destined for failure is easier than the idea of success and what comes after it. Maybe all these things. My friend watched a lecture on the brain and what happens when you hit your mid to late twenties, the studies found that your mind adapts to whatever it is you spend your time doing every day and starts throwing away the other knowledge that isn’t used regularly. According to this study my brain thinks watching TV series and running are the most important attributes to hold onto. I hope that it’s all pop science and that my brain really hasn’t melted away due to years of mistreatment. I hope it’s not too late to turn it all around.
The server I was streaming a Korean drama on just cut out while I was moving on to part 2 of episode 17, Boys Over Flowers. Koo Jun-Pyo’s fiance was feeding him popcorn at the movie theater, shoving it into his mouth like a puppy dog, as he made the same disgruntled face that I am now emulating. Tonight’s research will have to end, I will no longer be able to sit comfortably at this wifi cafe staring at a moving screen filled with delightful preteen romantic moments carried out by a cast of devastatingly handsome Korean men.